Not Now

wedding ringsI’m not one of those women who has planned her wedding since before starting kindergarten.  I have no idea what flowers I would depopulate from their greenhouses to fill my bouquet.  Once, in 7th grade, I was sure my bridesmaid’s would wear the colors of green that graced a Sprite can.  That’s about as far as any planning went.  The one thing I was sure of?  I would get married.

It was a given.  I was going to be just like my Mom.  I would go to college.  I would learn a lot.  I would fall in love.  We would get married.

I didn’t need to really plan much of a career because I wouldn’t want to be tied down to a place or a job.  I needed to be free to move where my husband’s career would take us.  Once kids started to arrive, work outside the home would be put on hold.  I thought I had it all figured out.

When I hadn’t had a real date in eons and my senior year started to loom on the not-as-distant-as-it-once-was horizon, I knew the plan needed some revising.   I never actually came up with a new plan, except this . . . I would go where God led and do what he put in front of me.

It sounds like a good plan, doesn’t it?  And really it is.  The thing is, it hasn’t been quite that simple.  Well, on the one hand it has.  On the other hand, I never abandoned my search for my own Prince Charming.

I don’t think the desire to share my life is wrong.  I’m not saying that at all.  I  think the preoccupation with the desire has been unhealthy at times.  It consumed a lot of emotion and mental energy as I questioned who I am, what is unlovable or unworthy about me, and sometimes what was wrong with whichever male I thought should being paying closer attention to me.

In the search for the man who would be my husband I’ve done due diligence in checking out lots of ring fingers.  I’ve valiantly attempted  flirting. I’ve crushed.   I’ve matched.  I’ve harmonized.  I’ve tried a few other things to no avail.

I can’t remember a time when God and I didn’t have regular conversations about dating, marriage and their notable absence from my life.  Neither can I remember a time in recent (or distant) history when I thought, “I’m done.  I want to be single for the rest of my life.”   That moment hasn’t happened, but something has changed.

Years of sensing God saying to me, “Do you trust me with this?” finally permeated my soul.  A few weeks ago I realized I truly trust God with my love life.  I realized I’m not wound up about still being single.  I’m not lamenting the absence of a significant other.  I’m not preoccupied with something that may or may not happen at some point in the future.

Do I still want to fall in love and spend my life with a godly man who adores me? YES!  I haven’t given up.  For the moment (and hopefully for many more moments), I’m free from feeling deprived.  I’m content with what is right now.  I look forward to what might be, but today this is where I’m supposed to be.

photo courtesy of Lajla Borg Jensen

I’m participating in Faith Barista’s Faith Jam.  Every week she’s asking other bloggers to “jam like musicians” on a faith related topic.  Today’s post is my riff on “How God is Setting Me Free.” If you’re interested in the notes others added to this Faith Jam, go check out her site and follow the links.)

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